Today is the anniversary of my mother’s death. 29 years ago she took her last breath as ovarian and colon cancer took her life. She was 46 years old. This is a pivotal moment for me. This is a day that has some unique significance. Especially this year because I am now 45 years old and will be 46 this coming year in May. I will soon be the same age my mother was when she passed on. Why is this so significant for me? Because I feel the gravity of it’s internal meaning. My mother struggled with cancer for a few years and ironically I have struggled within myself for the past few years. I am deeply connected to my mom and the life that she lived when she was here on Earth. I have subconsciously been internally berating myself for several years over my mom’s death. It became supremely apparent to me this past year but I never truly understood what I was secretly doing to myself until today. I woke up this morning with an epiphany, a reason to take what my mom taught me consciously and subconsciously and shift them to a new reality. My mom loved me, truly she did… but she had an awful time managing her feelings about herself, which she took out on the world. Through unconscious living she slowly created her own death. How can I say this? Because I am her daughter and I lived through the chaotic home that I was brought up in partially by the fault of my mother and the lineage her life brought to her. I, myself, had learned from my mother how to do the same in my own life and had done this for myself for a long time. I learned as a child through the subconscious actions and the energy I took in from the misguided and misdirected world around me. I learned about fear quickly growing up and I also learned that a life of fear was not worth living at all. My entire life I ran from the truth. My entire life I have spent trying not to reproduce the actions of my family but the truth of the matter is that the apple really does not fall far from the tree. I have so many friends that would tell me that this isn’t so and that I am nothing like my mother in that way. They tell me that I am a wonderful mother to my children and my family. But, what they do not know is that the internal mental chatter that I must face day in and day out from a missing mother (and a missing father) almost does enough to kill your entire being over the years. It has taken alot of self-determination and perseverance to overcome these fears that have lingered within my internal being. I had to work through many ideas and nuances that I believed about myself that I created over and over again until I could master the belief and move on from their bureaucracy. I believe that we do create our own circumstances in life that bring our greatest fears (or greatest truths) to the surface in order to be faced and slayed. Like the dragon tamer in the ever popular movie “How to Train Your Dragon” I had to work through the ever present powers of creativity and believing beyond the box in order to tame and work side by side with my own dragons. You see my mom had many dragons…she had dragons that brought on abuse in her life. She had a husband who beat her and abused alcohol on a daily basis. She had a son who was caught up in an illness that caused him psychosis. Then she had a father who did not truly understand who she was and why she was the way she was. She, herself had a mother who died of cancer when she was 16 and she was left alone to face a world that didn’t need to be conquered but her own inside world that just needed to be loved. My mother’s path was her own and it wasn’t until much later in life that I realized that she had to leave and she had to go for her own internal reasons and much more so that I could become who I am today.
At my age, one would hope to have graduated HS and College with her parents by her side. To have pictures to recall precious times of cherished moments with her mom at such events as graduations, weddings, birthdays, birth of her children, and their birthdays and graduations. I have no such pictures. I have no such memories. But I am also very lucky. Early on I was forced to live as a survivor. Forced to be out on my own at 16 and find out how to live in this world. Over the years I didn’t find out how to truly live until I was able to live with myself. How can I be the best that I can possibly be not just for myself and for the world that we live in? How can we do the balancing dance of give and receive in order to fill each other up only to have it continue to return again like as if we were living a constant flow of the figure 8. How? Well, my mom taught me how and so did my dad through the opposite of what someone could teach. I learned through fear and eventually had to turn to love to be morphed into something other than what I was or I too would have succumbed to a cancer that would take my life as well. I had to learn to face my fears and walk through the fires head on. I had no other choice and no one could do it for me and no one could walk in my shoes and no one could ever understand, not even my own mom. Through facing my own fears, through living a life that was tainted by subconscious programming that came from my mom, bringing awareness in and taking a deep breath I went further. I have gone further than I have ever gone before and now I have finally made it to the other side. I for sure, did not conquer anything. No way. No how. There was nothing to conquer. There were no dragons to slay and there were no dragons to tame. There was just a child that simply wanted to be heard living within me and she only just wanted her mom again. I wanted the representation of my mom of all moms. I wanted to just be love. That’s all. Once I could feel that within myself. Once I could love myself there was nothing left to do but love the rest of the world too. Fear no longer had a hold on my life and the rest of the world was finally ok, no matter what. This is what my mom taught me in a twisted subconscious way and there was no better way for her to teach me then through the unspoken word and actions of just being her when she was here and when she wasn’t as well. My mom is no longer here on Earth but I feel her and know she is here all the time. I can’t explain this and I just know this. I can not tell you what it is like because it is experiential. Nothing that we can learn in a text book. It is nothing that you would ever learn from any class you would take, not even an intuitive class. It really is from the heart. And this is now what I try to teach on a daily basis. Everything is from the heart. Everything. Every word, every action, every instrument we use is used from the heart. That is how magical we are. If it is used in such a way that strikes a chord of magic from the heart it creates magical experiences no matter what. A pencil can become a wand and a dishrag can single handedly clean up the world if we can open our hearts to see.
My mom had a very hard and difficult life and the ironic thing about all of this is that as I approach the same age that my mom was when she left this Earth plane I can honestly say that I have at least 50 more years to do something completely different. I don’t need to make lemons into lemonade…I’ve already done that… now I get to write another story with the second half of my life and I am going to name it…. And claim it… I am going to make lemons into orange juice! I am that unique!
Thanks mom for being there for me Allways in All ways. I love you.
Your Daughter Forever, Jennifer
*Quote from: “365 Days of Wonder” a quote for every day of the year by R.J. Palacio